April 19

Not a very original post title, but April 19 is where I left off in my story and it is the first of the three consecutive days that completely altered my life ten years ago.  Just to recap - I had been having some rather strange symptoms after a minor-ish head trauma and my new internist recommended having a CT scan.  I scheduled said scan for the morning of April 19, 2004, running in to Austin Radiological Association right before work.  I had never had cause to have a scan of any kind before and so I was a little nervous about it, especially after having to strip off all of my jewelry, including my wedding rings.  I laid on the little gurney and tried to keep as still as possible while my head was scanned in the enormous, donut shaped machine.  The scan was over in minutes, but the tech asked me to remain where I was while they started an IV.  My doctor had not mentioned any kind of IV being necessary for this (especially because we didn't expect the scan to show anything significant), plus I was still breastfeeding my daughter once a day, so I refused the contrast material that they intended to inject into my bloodstream.  They verified that my doctor's orders had not included the CT with contrast and let me get up, get my jewelry and head on into work. 


For the next couple of hours, it was a completely normal workday.  At the time, I worked in the underwriting department of a medical malpractice insurance company.  I was an assistant to an underwriter, which meant that I worked in a small, open cubicle next to my own assistant and in a room of about 30 other people.  I fielded phone calls, completed paperwork - all things that I did every day in a job that I truly enjoyed.  I honestly wasn't alarmed when, after speaking to doctors all morning, my own doctor called me about three hours after I finished my CT scan.  I vaguely remember the very brief pleasantries and my slight confusion as to why she was calling me back so quickly, not understanding that the phone call was more than an enthusiastic new doctor's due diligence.  I remember her saying to me, "the CT showed something.  We are not entirely sure what it is, but we can tell that it is a mass, approximately 9 centimeters by 5 centimeters.  It is large and you need to go have an MRI done immediately.  I can schedule it for you for this afternoon."  I know that I told her that I could not possibly have the MRI done that day - I had a baby to pick up from daycare after all.  I told her that we could schedule it for the following morning and she agreed, citing the urgent yet non-emergent need to identify whatever was hiding in my brain.


After I said a calm and polite goodbye to my doctor, I told my assistant that I needed to make a few personal calls and that I would be in one of our conference rooms for a little while.  I happened to run into my boss on the way, who stopped me to ask if I had heard anything from my doctor.  I told her what I knew at that point and started to get slightly panicky.  She told me to take whatever time I needed to call my family; in fact, she told me to go home if I needed.  I started trying to call my husband, who was not at his desk.  I left a message.  I called my mom at her office, and left a message because she was out to lunch.  I sat and stared at the phone, feeling like I might have a full on freak out if I did not talk to somebody immediately.  I called my husband's office building and told the security guard that I needed them to find him, page him, whatever - just to get him on the phone because it was an emergency.  I called my brother, who worked for the same company at the time, told him that I needed him to find my husband ASAP and probably scared the hell out of him in the process.  Then, I called my mom on her cell phone, catching her in the middle of a lunch date with old friends.  I remember saying to her, "uh, I need to tell you something, but do you want me to call you back?"  I am pretty sure she heard the extreme edge in my voice and said with all of her motherly authority, "no, I do not.  I want you to tell me what is going on right now."  So, I did.   And started crying.  She started crying.  Then, suddenly, my husband was on the other line and I was full out weeping in a conference room in the middle of my office. 


I didn't go home early that day.  I finished the work that I had to do, mostly because I was not sure I could stop crying without the distraction of my job and entirely sure that I could not look into my little daughter's beautiful face without imagining what this "mass" could mean for me, for her father, for her.  We knew we would find out more the next day when I would have my first MRI and when we would start to get a more information on the mysterious mass in my brain.